


The words he cannot say

by Songs_and_fairytales



Category: British Actor RPF, Doctor Who RPF
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, i don't know what happened, it's just sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 19:11:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17689199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Songs_and_fairytales/pseuds/Songs_and_fairytales
Summary: Alex comes home to a silent house. Matt can't find the words because when he does he knows he's just going to cause more pain.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I was doing a puzzle one day and this image of Matt sitting there alone with one popped into my head. This was born and I just don't even know. 
> 
> It's unbetaed so if you catch anything let me know.

"Matt!" Alex yelled as she walked through the front door of their house in the hills. "Matt, darling are you home?" She saw his car in the driveway, but the house was unexpectedly quiet. Any time Matt had the house to himself there was always some sort of music blaring, classical for script revisions, house music for cleaning, hip hop to work out, rock to fix things,  even cheesy country when he was being cheeky and knew Alex was due home soon. But not today. Today Alex found her husband sitting silently in front of the coffee table with a thousand small puzzle pieces scattered before him. 

 

"Matt, honey what's wrong?" She said as she kneeled down next to him and ran a hand over his stiff shoulders. Her brow creased in concern as she took in his emotionless face. "Matt. You're scaring me. What's happened?" He still didn't respond. He simply picks up a small pale blue piece of puzzle and examines it more closely, slowly lowers it back down and stares uninterestedly at the table.

 

He sits like that for hours. Alex doesn't know what to do. She brings him water, brings him snacks, at one point even contemplates slapping him just to snap him out of whatever trance he seems to be in. In the end, she just let's him sit there. She calls her sister, she calls his sister, she calls Harry and Arthur and Karen. She even braves a call to his mother who she'd had a minor spat with over Christmas plans that she hadn't yet resolved. She calls anyone she thinks might have a bloody clue what's happened to Matt. She racks her brain for three bloody hours for any clues as to what's going on, and comes up with absolutely nothing. When Matt eventually comes to find her, she's sitting hunched over the kitchen island with a glass full of wine and an empty bottle in front of her. She looks like a complete and utter mess. Her eyes are red and puffy, her hair askew and Matt laments that he's about to cause this beautiful creature he loves so much more pain. She hears his footsteps and she looks up at him with a mixture of elation and fear as he begins to talk. 

 

“Alex love, I need to talk to you.” His voice is pained and he struggles to look at her. “I…uhmmm” he stutters and reaches up to drag one hand over his face. “I…” Her eyes grow wide and she's suddenly more afraid now then she was three hours ago when he couldn't say anything. What was happening that he couldn't talk to her? They'd always been able to talk, always been able to confide in each other, but now here was the love of her life, the person who’d always promised to  tell her everything, who had always told her everything if for no other reason than to fill the silence, unable to say more that two syllables in succession. 

 

“Matt please just say it!” She almost growls out in fear and frustration. She knows he's struggling. She knows that whatever this is must be bad. She was patient, rational, and calm with everything and everyone in her life, except when it came to Matt. Matt made her throw caution into the wind. Matt made her run desperately towards him. Matt made her whole being tingle with excitement and possibility. But she's been sitting around for hours staring at her husband as he silently picked up one puzzle piece after another only to set them down again without even attempting to fit them into place. She's been sitting slowly losing her mind. 

 

“I went to the doctor today.” He finally whispers across the island. 

 

X

 

They sit across from one another in silence. They sit there waiting for the words to sink in, waiting for them to seem real, waiting for this new reality to settle around them. They sit there in silence for what seems like an eternity unable to look at each other.  

 

Matt can't open his eyes. They're slammed shut, his hands simply tearing at his hair, willing everything he's heard today to fade out of existence. He still can't believe it's real. For hours he held on to the hope that if he just didn't tell Alex, that all of it would just go away, but ignoring it wasn't helping. He could hear her heart wrenching sobs even through the haze his mind was in. He could hear her pulling on her hair as she dialed number after number hoping someone would explain why Matt couldn't speak or move or even truly acknowledge her presence. In truth, he could barely acknowledge his own existence right now. And when he finally found the strength to stand and walk over to her, he nearly lost himself again at the sight of her in pain. It was only her pained and forceful words that seemed to snap him out of his walking coma long enough to stun his wife into a silence before he falls back into it.

 

Alex gapes at her hands as they massage the granite in front of her, sure that any minute her hands will begin to form it into a mound of clay. That's what happens in dreams isn't it? That's what’s happening when nothing makes sense isn't it? When the words you hear are distant echos of reality and your soft warm delusions turn into nightmares. As her knuckles turn white and the counter remains firm she finally speaks. 

 

“No.” She declares firmly and with an air of determination that belies the severity of the situation. 

 

“I'm sorry?” Matt asks confused as he finally opens his eyes and  looks up. She pushes back off the stool and turns to face the fridge behind her. His eyes follow her as she opens it and begins to pull out jars and containers tossing them in the ground behind her. 

 

“No!” She screams as the first jar crashes against the floor sending shards of glass, pickles, and juice across the ground behind her.

 

“ALEX!” Matt yells as he leaps from the other side of the island desperate to keep her from hurting herself somehow. “Alex love please stop!” He begs as he dodges a jam jar she's thrown over her shoulder. She manages to toss the grated parmesan and head of lettuce across the room before his arms wrapped around her and her body begins to convulse with tears. “Alex I'm sorry.” He whispers into her ear as they both begin to sink into the ground surrounded by the contents of their fridge. 

 

“No,” she sobs into his shoulder as his arms wrap tighter around her. “No” she whispers as his lips press soft kisses across her face. “No” she murmurs as his lips finally find hers and her hands reach up to stroke his cheeks. They sit there for blissful minutes not speaking, holding each other, soothing each other with their lips and hands, willing the world to disappear with their kisses. But try as they might, neither can deny the salty taste on their tongues as their tears continue to stream down their faces. 

 

“You're not allowed.” She finally says as she pulls back to breath. He can hear the ragged words escape her lips but they still don't seem real. Nothing seems real to him anymore. 

 

“I know.” He says as he pulls her closer and presses his forehead against hers in apology. 

 


	2. The Video

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex watches their wedding video hoping that it'll make her smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I figured after the last chapter, everyone wanted a little bit of resolution. I can't give you that yet, but I figured some fluff would help. So I wrote this in hopes of making you all hate me just a little less for the last chapter... but then the ending happened. So yeah...

_ “Alex, I know everyone expects me to say that it was love at first sight with you” he stands, arches  his eyebrow at her, and barrels on with the microphone in his hand. “But I can't say that. The first time I saw you was through a television screen and I remember me mum and sis raving about how much they loved you and I stopped and looked and saw how beautiful you were on the screen, but that was pretty much it. I smiled and nodded and walked on. Well then I saw Moll and that was a different story,” he stops and giggles and the whole room does too, even Alex who's definitely blushing now.  _

 

_ “Well can't really say that was love at first sight. Don't get me wrong, it was definitely something.” It's Alex's turn to wing her eyebrow up at him but she wasn't really surprised.  _

 

_ “The first time I properly saw you was at that read through. And I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember the way you smiled and the whole room lit up, how you hugged me and how I instantly felt my body come to life” chuckles erupts from the room, “not like that you pervs! Well okay a bit like that.” He smirks and shoots Alex a wink. “I mean have you seen his woman!?” _

 

_ “Anyway it was definitely a fond feeling I developed, but it wasn't love. We worked together for weeks after that, I got to know you, I got to flirt with you, I even managed to get you on top of me.” He shoots Alex a cheeky grin as the room begins to whistle. “For work!” The whistles turn to giggles. “Like I was saying, it still wasn't love. It was definitely something but it wasn't love.” He smiles at her affectionately.  _

 

_ “And then you left and suddenly I felt alone.” And he drops his eyes as if remembering the pain of that day. “I had me mates and the show and my family around but I was missing something. Ask anyone!” He looks up and points around the room to his closest friends. “After you left the first time I was all mopey and whiny. I was constantly checking my phone, constantly bugging Steven about when you were coming back. I swear I was driving everyone else mad.” Cheers and agreement burst forth from Arthur, Karen, Steven and a few others around the room.  _

 

_ “And then you came back.” He smiles at her. Smiles that big goofy besotted grin she loves. “You walked onto set while I was running around the console. I turned and saw you smiling and I thought I was imagining things. I swear I made the stupidest face, I definitely messed up that take.” He's sure it's the same face he has now as he looks right at Alex who smiles back. “But I didn't care.”  _

 

_ “At that moment the world made sense to me. At that moment everything that felt off and wrong and missing somehow righted itself. That moment was perfect. Because that moment, that second that our eyes met from across the room, that moment I saw you? That moment I realized the love of my life had appeared.” Tears fill his eyes as he walks toward  Alex and the second their lips meet in watery kiss the room explodes in a mixture of cheers and ah's.  _

 

_ “I love you so much Matt” Alex says as she pulls away to wipe happy tears away from her eyes.  _

 

_ “And I love you Mrs. Kingston-Smith” he kisses her forehead as he pulls her in close to him as if hoping that by holding her that much tighter she might know how much he truly means it. _

 

The screen goes dark and Alex’s whole body begins to convulse from the force of her sobs.

 

This normally makes her happy, fills her heart with warm fuzzy memories and so much joy she cries _happy_ tears. Normally she sees his smiling face and the way he plays with the end of the microphone and remembers how much she loves that fidgety idiot, how much he makes her smile.  Today… today it just reminds her of Matt’s silence, of the way he stared blankly at table and how his whole body stood so still as she begged him to reply. She can’t look at him anymore without seeing him that way; without seeing pain and fear and a dark shadow looming over everything in her life. Today Alex watches that video and she feels the world about to crash down upon her head. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes there is more coming. I swear.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry, I don't know what's happened either. I wrote down more. I just have to edit/type it.


End file.
